Let me tell you a quick story. A few years ago, I sat in a therapy waiting room next to a young person who looked nervous. They kept looking at the door. When their therapist came out and called them by the wrong name and the wrong pronoun, I watched their whole face fall. They almost didn’t go in. That moment stuck with me. Because here’s the truth: if you want to help people as a therapist, getting pronouns right is not just about being polite. It’s about showing someone they are seen, safe, and respected. And that is the foundation of real healing.

You might be thinking, “I get why pronouns matter, but I’m nervous I’ll mess up.” Totally normal. Most of us were not taught this stuff growing up. But here’s the good news: learning to use correct pronouns is a skill, just like learning to listen or ask good questions. And like any skill, you start small, practice, and get better. So let’s walk through it together.

First, why do pronouns matter so much in therapy? Think about it this way. Your identity is a big part of who you are. For many people in the LGBTQ+ community, their gender identity is something they’ve thought about, struggled with, and maybe fought to be seen for. When a therapist uses the right pronouns—he, she, they, ze, or whatever a person asks for—it sends a clear message: “I see you for who you are. You don’t have to hide here.” That builds trust. And without trust, therapy doesn’t work. When you use wrong pronouns, even by accident, it can feel like a tiny knife to someone’s sense of self. Over time, those tiny cuts add up. So getting it right is a way of saying, “Your whole self is welcome in this room.”

So how do you start? The simplest and kindest way is to share your own pronouns first. When you meet a new client, you can say, “Hi, I’m [Name], and I use she/her pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” That’s it. No big speech. Just a normal part of introductions, like asking what name they prefer. Some people might say, “I use they/them.” Others might say, “I’m not sure yet.” That’s okay. You can say, “No problem. Just let me know what feels right, and I’ll follow your lead.” This takes the pressure off everyone.

Now, what if you mess up? Because you will. We all do. When it happens, don’t make a big dramatic apology. That can actually make the client feel like they have to comfort you. Instead, just correct yourself quickly and move on. For example, if you say, “Tell me more about his job,” and the client uses “they,” you can say, “Sorry—tell me more about their job.” Then keep going. That shows you care enough to fix it without making a scene. If you realize later, you can say, “Hey, I want to check in. I think I used the wrong pronoun earlier. I’m sorry about that. I’ll do better.” That’s respectful and honest.

Another helpful tip is to practice on your own. Say sentences out loud using “they” as a singular pronoun. For example: “They are coming to their appointment. I’ll meet them in the lobby.” It feels weird at first, but your brain gets used to it quickly. You can also change your email signature to include your pronouns. That normalizes it for everyone, not just LGBTQ+ clients.

Remember, pronouns are not the same as gender identity. Some people use they/them but still identify as male or female. Some use multiple sets. Some change over time. The key is to follow the person’s lead, not your assumptions. And if a client uses a pronoun you’ve never heard before, you can ask politely, “Could you help me pronounce that? I want to make sure I get it right.” That shows respect, not ignorance.

Finally, think about the bigger picture. When you make pronoun affirmation a regular part of your therapy practice, you’re doing more than just using the right words. You’re telling every client—whether they are out, questioning, or not ready to talk about gender—that this is a safe space. That can make all the difference for someone who has been hurt by other places. And honestly, that kind of safety is what therapy is all about.

So take a deep breath. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to learn, to listen, and to treat every person with the dignity they deserve. That’s what affirming care really means. And that’s how you become the kind of therapist people remember as the one who truly saw them.